How I got to this Size?!

We all know that this journey to get fit and healthy is not only about eating right and working out it also entails some deep soul searching to understand who you got the size you are in the first place.

I was trying to understand all the things I do to sabotage myself and what got me to turn to food, alcohol and smoking....

I sat down yesterday and really wanted to bring everything to the surface for myself so I could see what caused this unhappy, unhealthy women I've become, so I wrote out a long letter explaining to myself

how I got to the place I am now and how I am going to change that.

Here it goes... (I will make it a shorter version for the sake of keeping your attention.)

My journey started in the fall of 2009, one of my really good friends and I started running together just for fun, it was a time for us to enjoy each others company while doing something good for our bodies! 

At the time I was in a very verbally abusive relationship with a women who put me down for my weight every single day, despite the fact I was running pretty much every night and I was taking action (not really on purpose but kind of).  We broke up a few months after that and I was SO proud of myself for taking my anger and frustration out on running and not by filling my body with food and unhealthy things

that were not going to fulfill anything but shame and guilt in my life.

I did a series of 5k's for the first time ever to keep me motivated to run instead of feel pain and sadness.

I decided to join a local gym so I could still run when the weather started to get bad (cold), I had just turned 21 so I was super excited to be able to go to Vegas and at the time I was still living at home so I could afford to go out and do fun things, we went on a Cruise to Mexico in Feb 2010, I was around 210lbs at the time and I felt great.  I worked out every night and focused on getting fit after the cruise I think it started to sink in that I was single and in my own self doubt I shut down, thinking I would never find love and I didn't know who I was as a person. My whole high school experience was very confusing and a hard time for me in finding myself and my identity as a person, just thinking about all I had been through  

brought on a lot of distress that I wasn't sure how to deal with at the time so I started drinking, smoking and eating myself to a better place where I felt good instead of sad and depressed.

About a year later I started dating a guy and I was super happy with life, I weighed around 240lbs, and I wanted the best for him and myself and things ended up not working out the way I thought they would so again I turned to the things I was so familiar with to fill my heartbreak and depression.

As life moved on I still didn't have any big goals for myself, I knew I wanted love and to get married and have kids someday but it felt so far away I started to give up on myself.

I started dating my current boyfriend Nov. 11, 2011 (proud of that date), we definitley had our struggles when we first started dating I was still in the midst of figuring myself out and also barrying myself in my own pity and self doubt. After a few months I finally opened up to where I was comfortable and I trusted him cause I knew he loved me no matter what SIZE I was. As I got more comfortable with him I in a way gave up on myself and just wanted to enjoy life and then I stepped on the scale seeing 283lbs and was very ashamed and I felt I really needed to give this my all and not give up on myself anymore!

I constantly beat myself up trying to make a plan on how to fix the problem and as you can see by reading my blog it has taking me thus long to still figure out what is really going on at 287lbs.

I feel I have worked at losing weight I go to the gym I eat healthy most of the time (MOST is the key word here) and that everything else didn't matter, but it's not only about the gym or what you eat.

I am done feeling sorry for myself about things that happened in the past that I can't go back and fix or take back and I am committed to leaving all my baggage at the gym in order to get myself to a better state.

 My mind is slowly clearing and the more I work out and push myself at the gym the more I want to keep going and to get all the negative things from my past out of my brain so they can stop sabotaging me.

I want to be healthy for my boyfriend (someday husband) and my kids.

*side note*

When I started dating my boyfriend he had just lost around 80lbs, 

he continues to push me each day to be able 

to reach my goals, and he is VERY patient with me! 

It's time I completely focus on myself and get my own sh*t in order!

I have been smoke free for 10 weeks (SUCCESS)
I ran a 12:53 mile last night, compared to 16:00 mile a few months ago (SUCCESS)
I am going to continue to celebrate my small successes in order to keep moving
and to continue my journey in finding myself and most
importantly LOVING myself!

That is me riding my way to success with my main man by my side! :)