Relief

That seems to be the word that describes my emotions the last couple weeks.  I'm feeling relief from school and all the stress I seem to work up during a semester, relief in being free for a few weeks to do what I want and focus on myself and not trying to make everything perfect, and also relief from trying to be the 'perfect' girlfriend.... I do my best to keep things together but it's kind of nice to a have a little relief during the week where I can fully focus on what I want and need to accomplish for myself! Don't get me wrong I love my boyfriend to death but it's always a relief to have a few days apart to remember how much we miss each other when we aren't together all the time.

I'm reading a book called "I Thought It was Just Me (but it isn't)" by Brene Brown, it is about the way Shame affects our lives and why we feel it.

"You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors."  That is just a little bit from the book, I will keep you updated as I learn more and understand more about shame because I think it has a big effect on my life and my weight lose issues. 

I'm going to take these few weeks that I get off from school and try to gather myself into one piece again and really focus on me, I get so caught up in life and school that I forget to take care of myself and make myself happy.  This next semester is really going to test me and I'm super nervous but I'm trying to focus on taking a break before I get to stressed about learning this new material and looking through books again. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS! Hoping to get some snow in this state this week! :)

In a Rut

Everyone that reads my blog has heard me talk about how much of a struggle it is for me to lose weight and to be healthy, but I think that also relates to everything else in my life too, the more stuff I have going on that I'm trying to deal with the more of a struggle weight lose is for me, I turn to food as my comfort and to be in control of something at that moment.  I know my BF has had a hard time believing in me as far as weight lose goings (don't get me wrong he still loves me the same even though I do need to lose weight) and I feel his frustration because the more he gets frustrated at me for not taking care of my body the more I get mad at myself and for some reason I turn to food even though food is my enemy in the situation.  I don't even know if that makes sense, but I'm trying to figure out a way to overcome food... in a sense... I don't really  understand why I always use food as a comfort, but I'm in serious need to be healthy and I want to be, I'm just not sure how to change my mind in order to make healthy choices, not only with what I eat but in other aspects of my life also. 

I wanna get back on the 17 day diet that I have talked about before, but with the holidays and everything it's so hard to follow the plan to the T.  I'm not trying to make up excuses but in a way I do, I come up with something that makes it not possible to grasp the thing I want most in my life right now and that is to be healthy and to feel good about myself and my body.  I wish there was a button in my head that I could turn on to make me not like certain foods and that would retain all things I need in order to create better habits, that way I can't keep going back to my old habits of being unhealthy.  I just need to have a serious change of heart on the situation, but I'm not sure how to get my mind rapped around that fact I don't need to eat everything that I want to eat.... only what I need to survive.

Also, as if all of what I just talked about isn't enough stress on me, I am so frustrated that I have kind of a lot of school left and I just want to be free.  It's like I wanna be done so bad but I'm struggling with the classes I'm in but I don't wanna take a semester off because that would just make it that much longer till I can get my degree.  On the upside I am going to stick with it, even though I'm not sure how this semester will end, I really need to get my studying on and do good on my finals in order to pull of at least a C in my classes. 

All in all I want to get my mind on the right track and get my life started in the best way at this moment, I mean come on I'm 24 years old, I feel like I should have my Shit together, but obviously I'm far from that.  Any encouragment that might make me feel better or get my head on straight would be appreciated!!

On a lighter note this is a pic of my dad and I as we were getting ready to go through the holiday home tours this past weekend! :)